God, you're like boner-b-gone
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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