once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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