Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
