if i can run in heels then i can drive
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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