i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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