all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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