i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
