im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
