Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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