i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
