I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
