3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
