I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
