dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
