I cannot find my penis.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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