Can i not drive my cunt home
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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