One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He keeps bees of course he's weird
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
