That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
