I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
