Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
