Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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