ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
