Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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