Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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