My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
