Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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