I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This is my gift to your gina
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
