I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
