I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
