i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You need a sexual gate keeper
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
