i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
