You're completely useless in the revolution.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
home. puking in laundry basket.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
