I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
