Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Randomize
