My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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