I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
