Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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