Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
