there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
