I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
