Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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