If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just pee around me
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
