someone get that fucking seahorse.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's rum buckets o'clock
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
