I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
