When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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