i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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