i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm getting married
To pizza
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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