I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
