They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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