so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
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I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
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the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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