My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
