You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
