dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
