Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
