I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
