i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
