It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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