omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
