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I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
