as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im holly from the hills drunk
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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