woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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