Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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